Real Posts (8/5)

They let me out of jail! HELLO, LIFE. GET READY FOR A FACE FULL OF BLOGGER. *sunglasses* Everyblogger.

So the first thing I did after bustin' out of jail was go to the library to look up porn on the library computers, that's the best thing to ever do. I'm also on Blogger, lol you guys are seeing the post of a guy who is masturbating.

But as I was looking through my favorite porn site, Slenderman's Slender Tentacle Penis XXX Tim Takes Viagra Pills Video Club, I found this weird advertisement.

I literally shouted "wtf" and ran out of the library.

Then I came back in to post this.

Real Posts (7/5)

Jail's getting boring. Very boring. Boooooring. Very boring. I don't like it.

Oh hello The Fear Deliverer, what are you doing in my cell smoking a cigarette?

"Hello Jonny." I'm Billy. "Whatever. Call me Death on Two Legs today, I'm pulling from contemporary mythology." I have no idea what that means. "I know you don't." Why are you smoking? "It's cool." Heh, I can't argue with that, FUCK DA PO-LISE "Billy, shut up for a second. Hit enter." What? "Just. Hit enter."
"No, I meant twice." Oh okay.

"There you go. Now, when you have something to say, press enter twice again and then say it." Why are-- oh, sorry.

Why are you talking about me writing this? "Now press enter twice again when I start saying something, then I'll answer your question." Fine.

"I'm talking about the meta elements, Billy." Wh

What are the meta elements?

"They're a higher dimension, one you don't seem ready to comprehend just yet despite the fact that you keep trying to reach for them." But "No, Billy. Enter."

Fine. Just fine. But you're starting to sound like a dick, you know. Telling me what I'm reaching for like you understand my intent.

He put out his fag, lol, now he's looking at me annoyedly. "Billy. Why the 'lol?'" Because I laughed out loud? "And what was even so funny? That you called my cigarette a 'fag?' Were you going for the fact that 'fag' is also a slur, or were you just laughing at your 'ironic' use of British slang?" Maybe. Um.

Maybe. I don't know.

"See, this is why I'm pontificating: Because you make your intent blatant. Don't you realize that? Can't you take a step back and look at what you're doing? At what you're writing?"

I.. I have no idea what you're fucking talking about! >_< This is real life!

"Why did you use an emoticon just now? Have you ever used emoticons in this blog before?"

I DON'T CARE IF I DID OR DIDN'T, THIS IS MY LIFE! I want to express myself!

"And that's fine. Everyone is entitled to a vehicle of expression."

Awkward silence.

I don't get it. I don't get anything anymore.

"That's precisely what I'm here for."

Well, whatever it is you're trying to eldritchly talk about, I don't understand and I don't want it! You're a Slenderman! Go away, let me rot in my fucking prison cell!

And now he's gone.

This is all so confusing.

Real Posts (6/5 lol)

They caught me and threw me back in jail.

Real Posts (5/5)

Broke out of jail.

Real Posts (4/5)

That bear is now mounted above the cafeteria. I would have just mounted its head but haha what is this, the 1800s? Anyway I just found out our cafeteria ladies are Slendermen.

"Hello Billy Everyblogger, we are Slalmalcises. We are the Slenderman of you and your mirrors."

"lol that's cool, what's for lunch today?"

"Snakes."

"OH SHIT! Not if my GUNS can handle that!"

Then a police officer came in and put a hand on my shoulder and said "Guns are illegal, son." And I shook him off and said "You're not my dad!" But he said "No. I am."

So now I'm in jail.

Real Posts (3/5)

I'm at school now, it's a short walk from my house. Everyone here speaks American but me and my friends are the only ones with British accents because we're cool. Only one of us is actually from Britain though, his name is Peru. He's a badass though a little bit of a ritard. And yes I mean the musical thing, haha it was a pun.

I broke onto the school's computer network to post this, I'm a bit of a hacker in my spare time. There was this one time I hacked the principle's computer to say "I AM PRINCIPLE SKYNYRD" and then there was a link to the Wal-Mart Wikipedia page and then it said "1962 was a long time ago." And everyone laughed and I pushed it into the pool (our school has a pool). I didn't get into trouble though because this was on a day off.

So anyway how are you guys? Let me pull up a chair and sit in it backwards. Let's have a rap. Want a cigar, I'll give you the best. I'm master of this school here. So let's talk.

Wait, no time to talk! A bear just broke into the school! Brb, gotta deal with this.

Real Posts (2/5)

Thank you guys in the comments for your advice! I'm going to open the door now (I've been camping here for two days) and we'll see how this goes.

HEY FEAR DELIVERERER!

"HEY KID HOW DO YOU LIKE MY GUN?"

IT'S PRETTY AWESOME DO YOU HAVE ANY BULLETS?

"I DO, IN FACT" NOW HE'S PULLING OUT A BOX OF BULLETS FROM HIS POCKET "I'M ABOUT TO LOAD AND SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!"

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA BUT BY ANY CHANCE COULD YOU LEND ME SOME I'M A LITTLE LOW!

"OH YEAH SURE HERE YOU GO!"

Bitch, I just shot you in the face. With my own gun that I've had this whole time.

"YOU CRUEL NINJA!"

Blew smoke off of my pistol. Bitch, I'm no ninja. I am a MAN. No actually I am a PROXY.

"GASP, OF WHO?"

Another new Slenderman who you will meet in the next few days so BE READY!

He ran off screaming. I'm awesome.

Also I'm listening to "Stairway to Heaven" now, this is such a good song, guys. By the way if you're wondering where I'd been for the last several months before the last post, I overslept.

Now I'm going to go to school and see what's going on there. Because lol school SUCKS but I'm in a good mood now.

Real Posts (1/5)

Okay you know how I said Fears weren't real and then I posted saying they were and I was on the run for awhile? Well I was lying, this was all fictitional. BUT NOW THEY'RE REAL! THIS GUY WITH LIGHTNING HAIR AND SUNGLASSES CAME TO MY DOOR AND SAID "HELLO, MY NAME IS THE FEAR DELIVERER, I AM A NEW SLENDERMAN!"

HE PULLED OUT A GUN AND I BARELY HAD TIME TO SHUT THE DOOR!

HELP! WHAT DO I DO?!?!