I was at home and the mailman came by (that's Frenchish for "world," fun fact) and gave me a big pile of papers so I took a picture with my camera.
I am now going to transpose the text onto the screen for your reading eyes.
THE DECLARATION OF SLENDERPENDENCE
by Slender Hancock
We the beings of an eldritch nation, in order to form an even more eldritch nation, do so solemnly swear, upon the Mother of Snakes, to give each and every one of us eldritch beings an eldritch bill of rights.
Unless subjected to litigation, every eldritch being has the undeniable right to:
- Eldritchosity or, the state of being an eldritch being
- A fancy dress code
- A law degree
- Extensive editing software for, the purpose of adding "glitch"-like special effects on other people's videos
- A YouTube account
- Liturgy for, the purpose of gaining followers who we can teach the art of video editing so they may follow in the style of classic Slenderist filmmaker Brian Thomas after an intensive editing course and after they have published their master's thesis on the subject
- A teaching degree for, the purpose of better pursuing the prior right
- A lifetime supply of WiFi hotspot-enabled portable computers for, the purpose of littering them around the world for bloggers to be able to find and conveniently blog from no matter the circumstance
- Google's agreement to give we the eldritch beings as many blogs as we want for, the purpose of putting on all the aforementioned WiFi hotspot-enabled portable computers the new blog on the "New Post" option
a) as well as, to install unto every new blog the most default of blog layouts, preferably "Awesome Inc."'s default layout
- Diplomatic immunity from, any assuredly unrelated deaths that might happen to bloggers within our vicinity when we're angry
- The complete works of Howard Lovecraft for, the purpose of studying to better troll the bloggers who seem to read his works and only his works
- Press charges against any blogger who wrongfully labels us as being in the Slender Man Mythos or vice versa without full knowledge of the appropriate legal nomenclature
- Press charges against any blogger who brings up:
a) the Periwinkle incident
b) the original slender man posts on the Something Awful forums, on the behalf of Victor Surge
c) any connection between The Archangel and hugs
d) the eldritch being who shall not be named
e) any trope bearing resemblance to the "Mister Charles" phenomenon, unless properly instructed on the art of literature
f) the possibility of besting an eldritch being at either Guitar Hero or Rock Band
- A hacking degree for, the purpose of removing any possibility of selected bloggers simply Googling "The Fear Mythos"
- Post in OOG Fear Mythos locations for, the purpose of trolling the users to make them think we're a blogger who takes immersion too seriously
a) or for, the purpose of continuing our collective writing career under the unified pen name "alliterator"
b) or for, the purpose of continuing our collective writing career under the unified pen name "DJay32"
c) or for, the purpose of continuing our collective writing career under the unified pen name "Omega"
d) or for, the purpose of continuing our collective writing career under the unified pen name "Phobos"
e) or for, the purpose of continuing our collective writing career under the unified pen name "ZacksQuest"
f) or for, the purpose of continuing our collective film career under the unified pen name "Salvatore Haran"
- A degree in literature for, the purpose of better pursuing the prior right stipulations
- A degree in film for, the purpose of better pursuing the prior right stipulation
- Lie about how many of us there are and/or the exact extent of our powers
/- except where lying about how many of us there are and/or the exact extent of our powers would be to commit perjury
- Lie about the definition of "eldritch"
/- except where lying about the definition of "eldritch" would be to commit perjury
- Troll the shit out of Billy Everyblogger
- Troll the shit out of proxiehunter
- Troll the shit out of the entire population of the Somniverse and all subsets
- File restraining orders on any bloggers fully versed in their country's respective legal system
- A lifetime supply of Vanilla Coke
We the eldritch beings reserve the right to reserve each and every right on here.
In Fear, We Trust.
